My relationship is not like before, ¿are we in trouble?

Being in a relationship is not always easy, it goes over a lot of changes and we confuse them with thinking that everything is over, or that we have problems because we no longer feel that same desire or “passion” for the other person.

Today I will tell you a bit about my experience about how relationships evolve over time, and this is not a bad thing, on the contrary it is natural and necessary, but many times we do not know how to handle those changes.

Stages in relationships

These stages will focus on the evolution of a relationship, are based on my experience and what I have observed throughout my life.

In Love or Charmed

Every relationship begins with illusion, emotion, doubt, uncertainty. Especially when they have not yet declared their “Love” and this stage is now called “is my crush.” Any contact with that crush is an illusion and we see that person as the perfect model, so he/she may have a thousand defects, but for us those flaws are perfect.

Once they have declared their “love”, which is often based more on a physical taste and they begin a relationship, they fall into what is commonly called falling in love. Everything is great, you feel tingling or “butterflies” in your stomach when you see that person and it seems that you are under some kind of charm.

Many people often say that this is the “best” stage of a relationship, but this feeling is based on a fantasy, of course it is incredible to feel this way, nothing affects us, we feel alive. Unfortunately this stage has an expiration period, in some cases it is a few weeks, in others is about 5-6 months and in very exceptional cases, it can last 1 year.

But is it bad that we no longer feel in love or that the illusion we had at the beginning, does not feel the same way? It may be that now you feel this way, and you start to miss your friends, which you left aside because you wanted to be with your partner. Let me tell you that this is totally normal, human beings  like to socialize, but we also get tired or bored while being in the same routine.

I don’t feel in love anymore, Is it over?

When we begin to see the “flaws” of the other person, and no longer seem “cute”, as some say, a new stage begins. I call the stage of integration of 2 worlds, since each person is a totally different world, and uniting these worlds brings many challenges.

I remember when with my wife we ​​had 4 months of courtship, that’s when we entered this new stage, and it was very complicated, many relationships end here and it is because they can not integrate their worlds, many times because they do not want to change or as it is commonly said , do not want to give their arm to twist.

This is a difficult but crucial stage for long-term success in a relationship, until now, a decision to love has not really been made, but we only have the feeling and illusion that we know as falling in love.

In this stage, the relationship will be defined and will create basis for the long term, unfortunately there are many cases where only one person gives off 100% and leaves out his world and gets into the world of the other person, this causes serious problems later on, since this person will feel frustrated, that has not been able to perform, and if is giving everything out, it will only be a time bomb, which when exploded will most likely end the relationship and the problem is that it usually happens when they are already married.

In this stage of integration, what must happen is that a new world is born, one made up of both worlds, where both maintain their own identity, and respect their partner, but also where they give up and leave behind everything that It does not add to the relationship.

To achieve this, it requires mutual agreements, joint decisions, you can read a little more about the decisions and agreements in my article of the courtship to marriage

If this stage is successfully overcome, integrating both worlds, and both willing to sacrifice and adjust, in order to obtain even more, the probability of long-term success is greatly increased.

This stage can take time, this is where the basis and foundations of the relationship are established, and to do this, it takes time. Sometimes it can take 6 to 12 months, in others 1 to 2 years or even more, unfortunately I have seen some relationships where they continue together, but never manage to overcome this stage and the relationship becomes a martyrdom.

It is quite normal that in this stage of coupling there are several discussions, and even in some cases, they separate for some time, but the key is clear, assertive and direct communication, remember that you should never be disrespectful, this will be key for a lasting relationship. When you do not have good communication, or you are not clear about what you want, you can fall into misunderstandings, and by not clarifying them on time, a time bomb is created again.

Moments of decision

By overcoming the second stage, the relationship begins to mature, it is no longer a relationship based on kisses and hugs, or “passion”, but it begins to take relevance the decisions we make, we understand that we now have our own world and each of the decisions will directly impact our partner.

Here comes a more important decision, and it is that true love is not a feeling, is not to say beautiful things, or hugs, kisses or attentions, these could be said to be samples of affection, true love is a decision , I decide to love my partner no matter what the circumstances are, whether or not we have abundance, whether or not we have health, whether we have problems or not.

The best example of true love is seen in God, in spite of everything we do, even though we constantly make mistakes and although sometimes we reject Him, He still loves us unconditionally, because He decided to love us.

After we have understood this, and we have decided to love our partner, everything else becomes much simpler, in this new stage it is understood that asking your partner about a topic and opinion does not mean that you depend on her/him, or that she/he has you than to give permission, means that you have understood that their opinion is important, since the decision will also affect them, and reach a consensus between both regarding a decision will avoid future problems.

The next level

A very common expression used with regard relationships is the famous “Next Level”. In any relationship comes the time to take an important leap, where you no longer want to say goodbye to your partner, where you want to share everything and where it is not enough just to see it at times during the day and then go home separately.

This is where one of the decisions that will impact the rest of your life takes place, and it is the decision to marry your partner. Sadly on many occasions only one wants to take that next step, either because of fear, or for personal reasons, or previous bad experiences or fashion, many people no longer believe in marriage. I do believe in marriage and I understand that many fear it, but when you manage to live each stage in the right way, you realize that marriage can be incredible.

It is extremely important that throughout the relationship we are clear and honest, and that we find our way of working together, as a team. There is no perfect formula to have a happy marriage, and there are no marriages that are always happy, but if the foundation you have been creating is solid, and is grounded in God, the marriage will be amazing and wonderful.

The transition from courtship to marriage can be simple or difficult, but this will depend on how you have handled your relationship so far, again I invite you to read my article on the transition to marriage

In another article I will be talking about the stages within marriage, this time I have focused on couples, mainly young people, who are often confused about what is happening in their relationship.

Should I continue with my relationship?

This is a decision that only you can make, but my advice is to analyze in depth how the relationship has developed, if it has grown, if it has made you a better person, if it adds value, or if on the contrary you You feel down and that you can not develop.

If you feel trapped in the relationship, my advice is to speak clearly and directly, without “hairs on the tongue” and put everything on the table and talk to your partner, he / she may feel the same way and you can work together, now if far from understanding and seeking to improve, you are ignored, I think you must make a very important decision for yourself.

Remember that a partner should challenge you to be better every day, it must your best friend, your buddy, your support.

I hope you find this article useful, if so, share this post with your friends and family, you never know who needs to read it.